For me, the only way to work through the grief was to express myself artisitically. I have never been a professional writer or musician, but after these intense experiences, I couldn't stop myself from writing. At first, I wanted to keep these deeply personal works to myself. But I came to recognize the healing impact that the writings of other infertility sufferers provided for me. As I listened to bold musicians like Tori Amos share their stories of loss in a way that so powerfully resonated with me, I decided that I should share my experiences with the world. So in 2012, I published my memoir, The Pursuit of Family. Three years later, I released "The Weather," a collection of nine songs which illuminate the torment of infertility. And in August of 2017, I released "Integration", which is a 14-song story of loss and healing. I hope that people who take a glimpse into my world receive some of the same validation and empathy that I have gained from others who have shared their stories.
Then came the siege...
It took us 9 months to get pregnant for the first time. We lost the baby at 9 weeks. Life after that was a series of forever escalating infertility interventions, each offering more hope than the one before. We quickly moved from your basic intra-uterine insemination to traveling out of the country for radical, FDA-banned treatments. Despite our determination, we lost 9 pregnancies in total.
My original song, "Shatter the Stigma" was featured in the 2018 Documentary "Don't Talk About the Baby". Listen below:
Once upon a time, there was ignorant bliss...
*Note: "The Weather" and "Integration" are also available on iTunes and Amazon.com
This is the old me, the day I married the love of my life, James Aguas. We promised to stick together in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. We had no concept of how soon and how dramatically these vows would be tested.
But this is where we ended up...
Through adoption and surrogacy, we are now a happy family of seven. We are still grieving the babies, the experiences, and the dreams that we've lost, but we are grateful every day for the family that we've built.